Dear Vladmir Putin,
I have heard of your deeds and I think that you are very great! I am a pro-Russian separatist in the state of Minnesota, and I can tell you that many of us here feel that we would be better off if only we were part of the Russian Federation instead of our current country (United States).
Will you please invade us and rule over us? It’s so sad for us to be governed by our own sovereign government when we so badly wish that you were in charge instead.
When I was in middle school there were some strong boys that used to protect me. All I had to do was give them my lunch money every day (it kept me skinny!) and let them dunk my head in the toilet sometimes. But it was worth it because no one else harmed me except for sometimes. You could be like those wonderful middle school boys! I have even more lunch money now than I did in middle school.
Please take over my region! My friends and I already held a referendum and the majority of us that voted (just me) have agreed to let you graciously take over by force. I just wish you could have invaded us sooner, but those pesky Olympics made you have to pretend to be diplomatic until after February.